Depression mounting.

Take this as a Saturday post. I know I said I'm on hiatus here,but I feel a veritable need for me to let out some emotions here. As far as I'm concerned, a public blog isn't an appropriate place to blog about private stuff,but if I contain it anymore,I think I'll crumble under it all. In fact, I did already. I'm on wits end at a phase of my life. I'm currently juggling between facing my O' Level Exams in the midst of having to look after my Mum.Apparently,she's going to go on an operation in December. And I'm also having financial problems.But anyway,I think my Dad will be able to make it. And I feel guilty that I go tuition,when this money can instead be used to pay off bills etc. Nvm,it's ending soon,in fact the last tuition session is tmr. I don't know if it has been worthwhile. Sometimes I get insecured if I tell what I feel to my friends,because this are my private problems and are never meant to be shared with others. But I was feeling very low. I don't know who to turn to,but I know who,and only One. I feel like there isn't a reason for me to be happy now. Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I tried my best to smile,cause' I don't want to affect others' mood by my mood. Plus,if I don't do well for my O's, what would my parents think of me? That their son has disappointed them? That they have wasted their money on their son? I just feel so empty today,be it from the morning I go to school for consultation to going Cherie's house with Amelia to walking home and being at home. I just don't feel loved by others for a moment,at all. Sometimes I ask,what do I actually need? Perhaps I need more external friends,companions. Perhaps I need help. Perhaps I need more love. Whatever it is,I just want to be happy. And it's definitely not the season to be joyful. I guess I can't go to Prom as my Dad is already complaining abt financial issues & I guess I have to find a job after O's,to help to chip in. Bet everyone's busy mugging. Bye. Why is it always me ?

Blog Hiatus.

Blog Hiatus Till End Of O' Levels

All the best to all candidates and wish me luck. Too many things in life to care about. Start prioritising.

Look up and find the reasons why.

So,it's Sunday. By right,it's Saturday. 400th post. I felt very lethargic having to wake up for religious class this morning.As usual,I was late for it by half an hour. I simply dislike taking long bus rides like the one on bus number 15. Long bus rides really make me think a lot and I simply wasn't in the best of mood this morning. Learnt few stuff. Did a lot of reading.Felt better. Then,went Parkway's MacDonalds to do A.Maths,then met Christon for lunch at Banquet. Standard Chartered there is giving out 4 free tickets for people to watch the game between Liverpool and Man U live at Anfield. But they'll lose anyway,but it's still cool. Ate Sweet & Sour sliced fish rice. It's really sweet and sour. Shuttle bus.Bus 28. Home. Tampines Regional Library. Studied with Gracie,Shan Xuan and Shuqi but she left shortly after. Then Gracie. So I studied with Shan Xuan till the library closed. As I was studying,I thought a lot too. I just like the view outside the window,though it makes me think a lot. I guess I'm quite used to the "daily ritual" of staying in the library for long hours. I ask myself a few questions,but they were questions that I couldn't answer. Instead,I was finding an answer from above. I really want to know why. Anyway,went for dinner with her. She made me laugh with her super ridiculous words. Argh. Damn stressed right now. It's like the 'Great Depression' now. And I think I have no hope in English already. Thanks Jasper for the notes! You know, I really wished I had someone to talk about it. It's like I'm all alone on that road,finding my path and so lost. Bye. 8 days.

Just Another Emotional Post.

Sometimes I feel so confused. About everything. I wonder maybe if I acted differently in those specific moments, everything would be different right now... I act differently around different people. Mind you, I'm not fake. I just have my own comfort zone. That's why I only can completely be myself when I'm with people I'm comfortable with. Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough...

I'm not going cause' I've been waiting for a miracle and I'm not leaving,I won't let you,let you give up on a miracle,cause' it might save you... I imagined,if one day,I woke up,and I'm not,I would be so happy.But this is the truth,the hurtful truth,and I am. It sucks.But I've been trying to help myself.But I can't.

I'm no sharp cookie but I wish I was.

- I've fought the battle for close to 2 years already but I've not even conquered it. There's always be someone who will appreciate others more.

Don't look back.

Two words ; Mentally Drained. Ate lunch with Li Ting & Genghao at Tmart before attending the extra Biology class. Had a few chats and laughed like the old times. Wentt Shop & Save with LT to blow aircon ,LOL cause' it was so hot. Met Michelle along the way,so walked back to school together. Talk about intestinal worms,yuck. Bio lesson was okay. LT made me laugh with her stupid,lame joke. Sperm duct.Quack. -.- Bio consultation with Ms Farhana. Haha,poor boy -.- Then,studied with cherie & kristine. Thanks Kristine for teaching me the integration question. then night study with Dorcas & Yiren. chem consultation with ms gan. she's quite funny. okay no life. blogging has now became one of my methods to relieve stress. it's frightening to see how people are studying so hard. random random. Anyway, I just want to say that I feel morose whenever I think about them. I can't help but to think how we were close friends back then,but then something happened along the way,then we became complete strangers.When I walk past him,he no longer says hello to me,let alone eye contact. Why is he so cold? He's one of my closer malay friends last time,but now? I really shouldn't care if I was disregarded by the malay guys, but i do care. It's like I don't even feel that my presence is acknowledged by them. How do I say it? I'm like...not even acknowledged. Can I just say,I miss the old times? I wish I could back time and fix things. Living life with regrets. I miss our friendship.

18 Chefs

Been a busy day. And I'm tired. Another busy day tomorrow. Sigh. Spent my morning in the library with Geng Hao & Janet. Biology cracks my brain. I can't believe I teared in front of them because of it. Sorry guys. Something epic occurred along the way haha. Then,went on an outing with the HML people and Cikgu Zakiah. She treated us to 18 Chefs :) Farewell Cikgu...thanks for all the guidance and the treat :) Although you won't read this, thanks for all you've done for me and for not giving up on teaching us all :) Bye,we'll miss you ): Back to studying. The Amazing Rice tonight!

Graduation Ceremony 2010.

Credits to Jasper,Jun Jie & Kristine for the pictures. I think there's more to come.

Sorry for the late post. Friday marks the Graduation Ceremony for the school's Sec 4 students. Overall,I think the ceremony was a simple one,basically there was the presentation of certificates and pennant to every student,the screening of a couple of videos of well wishes from the various subject and form teachers. I hugged Mrs Wee :) Then,Mr Adrian Lim wanted to hug me -.- So I gave a hug and then Mrs Wee told me that he said I was nice to hug -.- Ms Farhana was so sweet,she shook my hand and told me not to give up on my studies.I'm gonna miss her though,one of the best science teachers I could have ever asked for. There was a lot of photo taking too,and my shirt was flooded. Hate the fact that I have many layers of adipose tissues under my skin due to the accumulation of fats,which in turn reduces body heat loss and causes sweating. grr. I'm so going to miss 4R1' 10 badly. It's where I made a lot of friends. I think next year will change everything completely :x Then Friday go home no house keys,then stuck in void deck for nearly an hr until my dad came and "saved" me. Basically,Saturday was one of most unproductive days. I slept in the afternoon for arnd 2-3 hours and the moment I woke up,everything was dark and creepy.I began to feel scared,empty and felt like tearing. But I didn't want to give in. Basically,I was all alone at home. Sunday ; spent my day out in the library. My brain is officially fried from 15 Chem Chapters,one Amaths paper. And also,one chapter on molecular genetics which I didn't even complete. I can't handle Bio. People fry chicken chop meat,I fry my brain. Okay tired. Looking forward to tml :) Is it the time to feel so low?

With each look in your eyes, the more I think, but the more emotional I get.

I'm blogging at such an unearthly hour ; I should be sleeping ! But that's because there's no school in the morning as tomorrow marks the Graduation Ceremony. Why must it be on a Friday though? It's such an utter rush for me to be in school by 2.30pm from Friday Prayers. I still can't believe that everything is coming to an end though,but I still hope I keep in touch with my friends very closely after our O's. I realised I have yet to socialise with people whom I've never socialised with. Hmm,time really flies.Time seems to be overpowering ; it's beyond our control. Anyway,there was an A.Maths mock exam today. It's tough but some questions were manageable.When will I ever get that A1 that I desire? Anyway,Yee Ting brought her camera along today and she started taking pictures around. But I won't post unglam pics,I'll just post nice ones,haha. After school,wanted to meet Ms Devi for consultation with the Mo Gu's (Janet & LT), but apparently,we couldn't reach her. Haha,and we started cracking lame jokes out of it. Janet laughs like a witch/hyene I swear and it freaks me out. Do hyenas even laugh? That's a rhetorical question,period. Went MacDonalds for ice cream and burger afterwards.

I can't believe I slept for a complete 2 hrs just now from 6pm to 8pm. And watched Fighting Spiders. I love that show,the video quality is great :) Oh,and I love Amazing Race. too I simply love travelling,though I haven't been to great countries. as far as I'm concerned The only countries I've been to are Malaysia,Thailand and Indonesia which I can't even remember when I visited it. I hope to go travelling one day and venture abroad,one of my life-long dreams :D

Anyway,an incident occurred on Tuesday. A devastating and unexpected one. I guess life comes along like a package,packed with all the great things you can have but also packed along with things that are deemed as uncertainty. But I've had incidents like this a couple of times, about 4-5 deaths.And it's always heartbreaking. Tears can well up in my eyes easily. I learnt a lesson from all these ; start appreciating and treasuring your loved ones and the people around you. Don't hate them, but like them for who they are, and be nice to them even if they were mean to you. After all, we need each other to get ourselves across to the other side of the mountain. I think it's most ideal that we constantly remind ourselves of this. Long post.I'm just pending my thoughts down. In the midst of hustle and bustle, it's good to look back on things in life and reflect on ourselves, to further improve ourselves. Reality check, O Levels are in approximately 17-18 days. And the first paper is English,my most feared subject. Last day of school tomorrow and 2 weeks to O's. I'm so nervous,worried and speechless. I need to do well. I must obtain at least 6 A's and single digit L1R5 ]: I'm feeling the immense pressure that's weighing on me. I must do well,but the main thing is,I must work hard and turn things around in the last lap. Don't know if I'll be blogging anytime soon. It's getting late. Gotta sleep,night ! & All the best in studying for O's to my dear friends. Faith,perseverance and hard work is the key.

The best of people are those who brings about the most benefits to others.

You want a reason to keep believing that some day you're gonna see the light.

Everyone has a certain level of tolerance and they can attain that level of tolerance until something overflows and spills,and that's when the "flaring up" kicks in. Personally,that's applicable in my life. However, I don't see the reason why when I'm being so nice and concerned about others, they can devise methods to take advantage of me or rather,for granted. So,aren't they portraying a bad reputation right before my eyes? Just because I haven't show my true,vulnerable side yet doesn't mean you can step on my head all the time. Wait,I haven't forget that you like them more than me,just because I'm not. Oh wow,I gave a standing ovation to you for that. I didn't know where you learn it from.And why I distance myself away during recess? Funk it.

You think maybe that I'm just so easy,you can come in and out of my life like you please,but baby,no,don't you know it takes more ?

So,I'm back. I managed to refrain myself from blogging for more than a week. Main reason is I've been studying,so I don't have time to blog. Besides, the O's are approaching in nearly 24 days.Wait,make it 23. It's Saturday already. Everytime I walk into the school in the morning, I see my days are getting numbered. Thanks cafe. Anyway,on Wednesday, I got caught by Mrs Sundrum for having red laces on my shoes. Then,she reported to Mr Hazmi and then to Mr Ong the OM. Firstly,I don't even know we're only allowed to have white laces on shoes. Blame me for my lack of acquisition of such information. Then,Mr Ong started to make new laces out of TWINES and I requested for him to help me put it on. Then,he said "Wah,have to tahan the smell of the shoe". I almost laughed my head off. Then,he went on to comment on how suitable my shoes were made for walking (luckily,not boots.it's a song title,ok nvm) and guessed it is expensive. Yes of course it is,I want my red laces back,boo. And I still haven't remove the stupid twine laces. No time you see. For the past two weeks or so,I've been staying back in school after lessons for self-studying. Mostly TYS-ing. Done with Chemistry & Biology yearly tys. So,I'm left with Physics TYS,which I have 5 structured papers left to do. And I still got my A&E Maths TYS in which I have only done the last two years. The school gave me a whole stack of A.Maths paper,as though I will be able to complete the 7 sets. I feel like I'm not working hard enough.Sigh. Studying in groups is good though. You have something to laugh at. I can't believe someone did something to me on a particular day. It happened before though. But still. It's a bit freaky...my lips are sealed.Find out yourself even if you're interested. And I find someone being an irritating pest frankly. Lessons on friday were okay,but got pretty moody during friday prayers. went back school to do some studying with kristine and junjie. then went bedok to play soccer with some friends. there were a lot of people there. met new friends. it was great though. i got a lot to learn,but i'll leave it after O's.passed by my primary school too. went home around 7. reached home at 8. stood all the way throughout bus ride. packed like sardines in a can. that reminds me,i have to do spring cleaning in my room again. otherwise,the friends who are visiting my house on sunday will be astounded with the utter mess and stack of papers. another grueling day tml. Won't blog unless I feel there is a need to. Good luck. PS - My tagboard's flooded with stupid comments. Keep it up!! For a moment,I felt like as though things in the past were replicating themselves all over again.